Saturday, 13 December 2008

bitterness

I suppose the hardest part should be facing the devastation of having to go back to the beginning and start again. Again, again. One more bloody time. And maybe it will be. Perhaps I am just postponing the inevitable.

Right now the hardest part is the lack of support from people I've known for years.

I'm a fairly friendly friend. I have, over the years, helped a lot of people in a lot of situations. I've seen a lot of hurt and I've been the person who has been there and listened and waited and solved problems and just been a presence, a lot. None of it was in anticipation of recognition or reward. That's just not the way it functions. But all altruism, all caring for other people, has some aspect of implicit, expected reciprocity. It's the only way that human relationships can ever, ever function. Even in the most extreme religious servant-hood relationships, there is the expectation of divine reciprocity.

It's only when things crumble, when the walls come falling down that you realise how little your contribution has been valued. If reciprocity is a measure of how much one is valued - which it must necessarily be - then right now I am able to take a step back and acknowledge that the time and energy and effort I have put into friendship and caring and generally being a nice person for the last few years has not only been wasted but has been valued so little that things which may drive me over the edge are of little to no concern to those to whom I have given most.

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